The price Meghan and Harry will pay for this self congratulatory, indulgent, self-pitying ego marathon is a high one, says Mark Dolan

That's three hours, of my life, I won't get back. It made, the root canal surgery, I recently had, PLEASANT by comparison. I'd be quite happy, for my psychotic dentist, to tear out a couple more teeth, with no anaesthetic, than have to go through THAT again.

These two, may see themselves, as leading lady, and leading man, but be clear, this is no cinema classic, just a third rate horror film, meets romantic comedy.

It was scarier than the Shining, more vomit inducing, than the Exorcist and more laughable, than The Hangover 3.

A 120 minute car crash, in slow motion, this self congratulatory, indulgent, self-pitying, ego marathon, may fill the COFFERS of this young couple, but the price they'll pay, is a high one.

This film, is a suicide note, in celluloid, and marks the end, of Britain's relationship with Prince Harry. Once, its proudest son. Don't forget, this is a young man whose popularity PM – pre Meghan - was second only, to the Queen herself. In this film, the couple complain, about the hierarchy, of the royal family.

Yes guys, it's a monarchy. They tend to be, quite hierarchical, things. I'm so sorry, no one warned you.

Just be glad, they don’t BEHEAD people any more. Never say never.

This hierarchy thing, is such a novel idea, isn’t it? It must've been a shock to Harry, when he was in the military, and had to answer, to a sergeant major.

Did THAT, impact his mental health as well, I wonder? When he was flying planes, over Afghanistan? When it comes to their, alleged, poor treatment by the palace, when serving as active Royals, Harry and Meghan, have become the boy that cried wolf too many times.

We've had two years now, of hearing, how tough it's been, for a couple now rattling, around a Montecito mansion, which we are told, boasts 16 toilets.

Well this couple, are stuffed, up to the oesophagus, with enough BS, to fill ALL of them. And it’s all me me me. This couple are so narcissistic, they make Donald Trump, look like a shrinking violet.

So they’re up themselves, as this film demonstrates, but they're stupid too. Yes, they're making a lot of money, but they haven't read the room.

As they rant about how terrible their lives are, jetting around the world, in private jets, being handed bizarre, human rights awards, Brits at home are struggling with the cost of living.

For some, switching on just one radiator, in one room, might break the bank, whilst Harry and Meghan laugh all the way to theirs, by trashing an institution, the public paid for handsomely, and which made these two famous. Megan was quite happy to dump Britain and dump the Royal family – she has a long history, of ghosting people.

She DID it to Piers Morgan, who introduced her to the UK media scene. When she met Harry the calls stopped.

My good friend, showbiz Queen, Lizzie Cundy, put an arm round this mediocre actress, when she came to Britain, and made her welcome. Lizzie Cundy, added to the list, of people who has ceased, to be useful, for this ambitious, young social climber.

And she showed the ultimate RUTH-lessness, in dumping, her very own father, Thomas Markle, a man who it’s well reported, supported and LOVED her as a father, and helped facilitate her dream, of being an actress, even paying for acting lessons.

If I was Thomas Markle, I’d go to the acting teacher and ask for my money back. Have you seen Suits? In this documentary, the race card, is played big time, with a tedious lecture, about British, colonial history. Forgetting, that unlike us, America imported slaves, to their own country, and had effective apartheid, until the 1960s.

It’s hinted that the Royal family and the British media, and maybe even the British people, were so horribly racist, THAT’S why the couple had to move on. I don't remember, any racism, when Markle, was welcomed into the bosom, of the Royal family, particularly by the Queen herself.

Markle has admitted the Queen, was always, a very loving and supportive figure.

I don't remember, any racism towards the couple, when thousands, lined the streets, for their wedding.

And I don't remember, any racism, when ALL of the press, put the couple, on every front cover, for months on end. The look of love, how wonderful.

Or how about this from the Daily Mail, as meghan’s beautiful mum Doria, gives her away, they write “a magically modern, royal wedding”.

I've got plenty of friends, in Fleet Street. Let me tell you, when Meghan Markle, came along, the response, was over-whelmingly, RESOUNDINGLY, positive. Far from seeking, to demonise, or castigate this woman, they were celebrating. They thought, they'd found, the new Diana. Now far be it, from me, to say definitively, whether, there HAS or has NOT, been, a racist undertone, to the treatment of Meghan Markle, in some quarters, both here and abroad, by a nasty section of the press, the public or even the royal family themselves. And if that, IS the case, that is truly horrific. But I do have one question.

Was Sarah Ferguson, the victim of racism, when the press ripped her a second backside every ten minutes, when she was married to Prince Andrew?

Prince Edward, has been mercilessly mocked for his whole adult life.

And what about Harry – is HE, the victim, of racism too? Can you be racist about Harry, a privileged, white, British man?

So he's getting, all of this invective, and it's NOT racism, but Meghan Markle IS, and it IS? Perhaps Harry, is a victim, of racism, towards red-headed people. Yeah maybe, that's it. Not from me, of course. Some of my favourite people, are redheads. Such as Mark Steyn.

What a dreamboat. Don’t knock a bit of ginger, till you’ve tried it.

Gingers aside, I think the British public, will see red when they watch, this rubbish.

This couple, have burnt their bridges and have reached, the point of no return. So my review, for this FILM, is a simple one – I'm giving it ONE star, even though Meghan Markle, should get an OSCAR, for her performance.

I ALMOST believed she was real. Rest assured, I WON’T be watching, the next instalment. They don't PAY me enough, to go through that. And anyway, I've got an appointment, with my DENTIST. Drill baby drill.