Prince Harry should take the title of Duke of Sussex, and give it a right royal flush, down one of his 16 toilets, says Mark Dolan

Prince Harry should take the title of Duke of Sussex, and give it a right royal flush, down one of his 16 toilets, says Mark Dolan
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Mark Dolan

By Mark Dolan

Published: 22/04/2022

- 21:35

Updated: 22/04/2022

- 21:37

Fresh from living it up in Holland, Harry’s got to pull his fingers out of the Dyke and get on with his life.

What a right royal mess. Prince Harry's back in the news, a man more overexposed than the porn star Ron Jeremy.

Yes, the world’s least happy millionaire has once again asked us to cry him a river, to whip out our tiny violins for this privileged aristocrat, rattling around his Montecito mansion, which boasts 16 bathrooms, all of which he needs, when you consider the amount of crap he comes out with.

Having stayed away from the memorial service dedicated to his great-grandfather Philip in a confected row over security, it's apparently safe enough for him to gallivant around Holland, posing for photo opportunities at the Invictus games.

So he's unsafe in London, where he would have his private security, and would be in a ring of steel, any time he was with his own family, but he’s perfectly safe in Holland. That’s what I call Dutch courage.

God forbid that he should be targeted, of course, but really - safe in Holland, not in the UK? Do international terrorists not travel? Do they not go to Holland? Maybe terrorists don’t like the heavy cheese they eat in that country or perhaps they find Heineken doesn’t reach the parts other beers do.

Fresh from living it up in Holland, Harry’s got to pull his fingers out of the Dyke and get on with his life. And how shocking that he should throw shade on his father and brother, by giving a politicians’ answer when asked how important they were to him.

I can’t decide who’s worse, the navel gazing, ginger Windsor Harry or his wife the woman who broke up the Royal band, Yoko Moano herself, Meghan Markle. I just don’t buy a word this two ever say. I would trust notorious crooked banker Bernard Madoff with my life savings, before listening to these too. They’ve made-off with millions too by the way.

Sorry, I take everything these two say with a whole mountain of Pink Himalayan. Take that dreadful non-interview with Oprah Winfrey in the garden of Eden.

That interview smelt of something, and it wasn’t fertiliser.

In fact it contained at least one clear untruth. Meghan Markle claimed they got married before the actual wedding, a claim refuted by none other than the Archbishop of Canterbury

Justin Welby. Yes the woke archbishop is sometimes actually awake.

So were the other devastating accusations made in that interview, in relation to racism and mental health authentic, and credible? You tell me. If true, it's horrific and unacceptable that they happened. But any jury, would now question, the reliability of the witness. Now this could be old news, and it should be.

I should be talking about the weather instead. Still nice, isn’t it, but a bit chilly. But I can’t, because we have a prince – once a care-free, fun loving national treasure - who continues to attack his own family and therefore the institutions and traditions of this country. Which is perfect torture for William, Charles and most tragically out incredible, 96 year-old monarch.

I once presented a show called Balls of Steel. Well Prince Harry has gonads of titanium, claiming that his priority is to protect the Queen. And by protection, he means moving thousands of miles away, starring in podcasts and TV shows, slagging his family off and undermining the institutions that have given him this platform and these riches, whilst Brits at home, work out how to heat their homes and feed and clothe their families.

For Prince Harry to say he's protecting the Queen is like Count Dracula claiming he’s protect the nation's blood supplies. With friends like that, who needs enemies.

Far from having the Queen's best interests at heart, he's the greatest thorn in her side. And his attacks on the family, and our monarchy is by definition, an attack on the British people too. If he and Meghan hate the whole set up so much, then why don’t they sever ties with the family and relinquished the titles of Duke and Duchess of Sussex.

It's the worst hypocrisy to attack an institution, whilst continuing to make millions from the honour, prestige and traditions it represents. And of course they won't give up the royal titles, because then they’ll lose the Spotify deal, among many others, and will probably have to give up a few of those bathrooms. Imagine only having ten loos for example?

I wish we could flush these two, down the plug hole, lecturing the world about climate change from a private jet. And how is spilling the beans about the Queen's most intimate moments protecting her? Including what presents she gives out and who she trusts the most? All examples of Harry’s oversharing.

How is it protecting the Queen to create a soap opera around her beloved husband Phillip’s memorial service, when what she needed was quiet dignity and support. And how will it protect the Queen when Harry brings out please his tell all book, designed to upstage her Jubilee celebrations, and which will offer a portrait of the Royal family, that makes Thomas Harris’s characterisation of Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs, look positively flattering.

And it is my view that this book will be the greatest work of fiction, since War and Peace. Bore and peace more like. Harry cuts a joyless figure at the moment.

He looks haunted, like a rabbit in the headlights, a kidnap victim of woke California, silently mouthing words “I’m a Royal, get me out of here” to world’s cameras. I personally wish him and this young couple well. He is a charming guy. And what he went through as a child, with the appalling loss of his mother and his service to this country in the Armed Forces – will never be forgotten.

But neither will his unending, self indulgent strop about his own family, one which hurts the Queen and in its own way, hurts the country too.

If you don’t like the Royal set up Harry, then leave it properly, give up its perks, and give us all a break.

Frankly he should take the titles of Duke and Duchess of Sussex, and give it a right royal flush, down one of his 16 toilets. Bog off Harry.

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