Unconvincing Tony Blair tribute act Sir Keir Starmer has launched a new Labour style pledge card with his six promises to the nation.
Of course, a promise from our esteemed leader of the opposition is about as valuable as a Taiwanese Rolex that you bought in a market in Taipei after an afternoon drinking rice wine, which didn't seem that strong when you originally tasted it.
It's good that Starmer has done this new pledge card, because when he launched his five missions a year ago, he completely forgot to mention immigration. That's right. He completely forgot to mention it.
He's got so much on his mind and I'm sure it was an oversight.
Mark Dolan shares his thoughts on Keir Starmer's chances at Prime Minister
GB News
So let's have a look at Starmer's plans.
Number one, sticking to tough spending rules. Well, that is until his mates in the trade unions, some of whom fund his party, lean on him into agreeing inflation-busting, unaffordable pay rises and the entirety of the public sector.
Labour's natural electoral constituency will be expecting a cash bonanza. In fact, Labour will have to spend so much money they'll make famous shopaholic Elton John look like a penny pincher.
Stick to strict spending rules? Starmer can't stick to anything. He's like a giant Pritt Stick that lost its lid years ago.
Commentators this week estimate that he's changed his mind over 70 times, including seeking to reverse Brexit with a People's Vote, campaigning not once but twice for Jeremy Corbyn to be prime minister, and earlier this month finally deciding that biological sex matters. Praise the Lord. Only women have a cervix again, it's like the good old days. They've got wombs and breasts and everything.
So saying that Labour will stick to their spending plans is like saying that Freddie Mercury will stick to a heterosexual lifestyle. Some fear that Labour's spending plans will ultimately cost every working family an extra £2,000. If true, that's a lot of money.
£2,000 will buy you a ten-year-old Nissan Micra. Very reliable. Gotta love some Japanese engineering. Heated seats, leather trim AM/FM radio yes please. £2,000 would buy you a luxury cruise in the Mediterranean so you can sail away from high tax.
Britain under a Labour government and £2,000 would buy you a dream two-week holiday to Disney World in Florida. And if I'm honest, Mickey Mouse would be a far superior prime minister. At least he knows what a woman is. Ask Minnie.
Labour is going to set up a great British energy company because of course, Britain has such a winning history of state-run enterprises. Think British Leyland, except this time they're making windmills rather than crap cars that don't work.
Labour is going to cut the NHS waiting list funded by tackling tax avoidance. Yeah, because HMRC doesn't do that already. Ask poor old Gary Barlow and closing non-dom loopholes. Yes, what a great idea. Scare off rich people and get them to spend and invest their money abroad. Yes, we'll all be poorer and living in tents, but we'll feel much better about ourselves knowing that high achievers are somewhere else and not Britain. By the way, the dreadful Tories have a similar policy, I should add.
Labour is going to launch a border security command, which sounds like something out of Star Trek. And to be fair, Sir Keir Starmer and Mr. Spock do have a similar level of charisma. Now, this plan is just a souped-up version of what is already happening at the moment, with more quangos, a likely amnesty of thousands of illegal migrants, a deal with the EU to potentially take more asylum seekers and the axing of the Rwanda plan, even if it works. So those people smugglers must be quaking in their boots.
Labour is going to provide more neighbourhood police officers to reduce anti-social behaviour. Presumably, they've taken inspiration from the success of London Mayor Sadiq Khan and the haven of peace and tranquillity that is London.
And last but not least, Labour will recruit an extra 6,500 teachers paid for by ending the tax breaks on private schools. Except that Labour's proposed VAT raid on private schools has reportedly already cost the taxpayer £22million, with 3,000 fewer pupils starting at private schools this year and flocking to already overstretched state schools at a cost of almost £8,000 per pupil. Private schools currently save taxpayers nearly £4.5billion a year by educating kids who would otherwise be at state schools. But yeah, let's give them a kicking anyway because that is the Labour promise.
In the end, a Labour Government is coming, and even its supporters seem to be welcoming the news with a sense of grim inevitability, like a new Indiana Jones film, a Michael McIntyre tour or a new Coldplay album. Oh, perish the thought. New Labour, who I voted for, that's right, who I voted for, well this lot are not. 1997 this ain't. And Keir Starmer is more Tony Bennett than Tony Blair. He's more cringe than crooner. Starmer's not in power yet and he's already out of tune.