In one of the least exciting twists of the latest Labour psychodrama, Andy Burnham has announced that he will be attempting to enter Parliament. Some poor Labour MP (one of the many already sacked under some scandal or another – I lose count which) is standing down in the seat of Makerfield to make way for him.
There are a few problems with this. First, Reform UK won the recent local elections in Makerfield and is likely to mount a serious challenge to Burnham’s attempts to get elected.
Burnham’s claim that he wanted a tough seat, to show he could defeat Reform, would ring less hollow if he hadn’t apparently asked dozens of other MPs if they would make way for him first.
And I can’t imagine that the people of Makerfield will necessarily take kindly to being the latest pawns in the unedifying game of thrones that Labour is playing, barely more than 18 months since taking office.
But the biggest problem is with Andy Burnham himself. Styled (again, in literal Game of Thrones fashion) as the ‘king in the north’ some in Labour speak of him as this great political genius who will ride to their rescue and save the day.
I must have taken double my dose of crazy pills this morning, because that sounds completely bonkers. Let’s go through some of his greatest hits.
Mr Burnham has always painted himself as an outsider to the Westminster crowd, and an authentic normal bloke. I’m not sure how many normal blokes study at Cambridge, become a Labour Government adviser at 28, an MP at 31 and a member of the Cabinet at 37. He once criticised elites in fancy suits, only to admit that his suits were all made by Armani.
This was around the same time he gave a speech about equality and justice from the £ 1,400-a-year elite club Soho House. Best of all, though, was his attempt to sound like a man of the people.
In an interview, he was asked what his favourite biscuit was, and replied that he liked chips and gravy. This painfully try-hard schtick used to make him an unserious player; Labour are now so abject that he’s the best they've got.
The biggest problem facing Andy Burnham is Andy Burnham - James Price
|Getty Images
And what about his record as a winner? He has won re-election as Mayor of Greater Manchester a few times, sure. But this is the same Andy Burnham who lost the 2010 Labour leadership to Ed Miliband.
And David Miliband. And Ed Balls. In fact, he got barely one per cent more than Diane Abbott. And this is the same Andy Burnham who lost the 2015 Labour leadership, this time to Jeremy Corbyn of all people.
At least he came second that time. Worst of all? He doesn’t believe in anything. A Blairite when it was helpful, then a Brownite, he blows with whatever wind is most powerful.
We’ve already had an empty vessel as Prime Minister. Britain can’t afford another vacuous socialist. Even if he does wear nice Armani suits, not ones bought for him by Lord Alli.
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