Mark Dolan: Mark Kermode, we feel your pain

Something pretty terrible happened to Mark Kermode this week. God I can't believe I'm even saying these words. Lord forgive me. He received a call from a producer here at GB News.

I do hope I can get through this - I feel like Elton at Diana's funeral. A member of our vibrant and diverse team here at Britain's fastest growing, most exciting television network, made the potentially career-ending, decision to call this great man. How did they even get his number?

Surely it's protected in some way. I would consider the film critic Mark Kermode’s phone number to be classified. Certain people should be out of reach of the great unwashed – The Queen, Johnson, Kermode. The elite deserve protection.

Well you can imagine his horror, when he was asked to contribute to a discussion on this channel, about the British film industry. Research commissioned by the BFI, has said that British movies do much to enhance the reputation of this country both at home and abroad, and it continues to go from strength to strength.

It can't have been an easy moment for the big man, this popcorn-chomping genius, whose skill in sitting there talking about other peoples’ work, is unparalleled. Nobody does it better. He is so good, at talking about the work, other people have done.

Luckily, though he is busy talking about the work other people have done, he found the time, courage and moral strength to send the following tweet.

How could they? Mark deserves better.

I'm shocked that this BBC lifer, a man who spends more time staring at screens than a hedge fund manager, should have been assaulted like this. On his phone. The called him on his phone. How did they even get his number? It should be classified.

The Queen, Johnson, Kermode. Mark my words, Mark, whoever it was here at GB News that bothered you in this most egregious way. whoever called you on your phone, without permission, and invited you to our studios to talk about British films, they will be found, and they will dealt with.

We don't cancel people here at GB News, but they will be punished, perhaps by being suspended, or locked in a room and made to listen to one of your film podcasts.

Either way, pain will be felt. Because Mark Kermode, we feel your pain.