Going woke doesn't do much for your goal difference, and virtue signalling doesn't get you three points, says Mark Dolan

The World Cup has kicked off and as England obsess over rainbow badges, and the Germans perform their own special protest in favour of LGBTQ plus people, both teams flop on the pitch.

It would seem, going woke doesn't do much for your goal difference. And virtue signalling, it would seem, doesn't get you three points.

It was bizarrely ironic, that England took the knee last night in memory of the appalling murder of George Floyd, whilst their opponents the USA, in whose country the George Floyd murder happened, did not.

Make sense to you? Me neither?

It's almost like these teams should concentrate on kicking a pigs bladder around the pitch, rather than being saviours of the world. Workers at warehouses owned by fashion giant boo-hoo have compared themselves to slaves, walking 7 and a 1/2 miles a shift in 32°C heat, as MPs compare these disturbing conditions to a Victorian workhouse.

A disgrace obviously. And brings a new meaning, to the term “shop till you drop”. Proposed rail strikes will wipe £1.2 billion off the economy as Britain enters a winter of discontent.

On the positive side, it means the public won't be paying £7.50 for a stale egg and cress sandwich from the buffet car, and they won't have to go through the indignity of the toilet door on the train automatically opening, whilst they’re still performing their ablutions.

Frankly I'd rather fly. At least the door locks properly on a plane. As Rishi Sunak refuses to admit whether he has private medical insurance in a sky News interview, given the fact that his party still trail miles behind labour in the polls, his blood pressure must be so high, he's probably got BUPA on speed dial.

Vladimir Putin fears he will be killed, because there is no forgiveness for tsars who lose wars in Russia. Well it could be worse. He could be sent to the jungle for three weeks with Matt Hancock.

That’s what I call a terrifying reptile.

A theatre group has cancelled its performance at Sheffield crucible, in protest over its decision to stage the musical miss Saigon, as they condemn its damaging tropes misogyny and racism.

Quite right too. So many of these musicals are dripping in prejudice. You have to feel for how hyenas are portrayed in the lion King, and beauty and the beast, is terribly insulting for ugly blokes everywhere. Ban the lot of them.

Nicola Sturgeon's independent dream is in tatters, as the UK Supreme Court has said Westminster alone, can grant Edinburgh an independence poll.

This is good news. Not only is Scotland an integral part of the United Kingdom, both militarily economically and culturally. And the idea of friction in the flow of goods terrifies me.

After all, who could live, without Tunnocks tea cakes. Shove that in your cake hole Nicola.