Alex Phillips: Boris either has zero clue what is going on, or is a compulsive liar

What on earth is going on?

Did we really just have a week of the Prime Minister repeatedly reasserting to the nation that no Covid rules were broken at the fictional number ten Crimbo bash, to then see his aide resign over a party that didn't happen, to have an inquiry announced to Parliament into parties that categorically didn't happen.

Is someone in the Downing Street Command Centre smoking crack? Well possibly, considering the Prime Minister has rushed through a law out of nowhere to snatch passports off people smashing back narcotics.

You can, at this point, probably assume that if it’s banned, someone in government is doing it and a law’s been thrown together as a smokescreen to convince us all that they aren’t.

The spin machine is an endless source of wonder to me. From summoning the nation’s media to the garden to assure us that Dominic Cummings categorically did not break Covid rules when testing his eyes by staring at a castle.

To the oven ready Brexit deal that categorically would not put a border in the Irish sea while we are still trying to sort out that border in the Irish Sea.

To gazillion quid wallpaper that categorically did not break donor rules but actually did, and holibobs to Mustique and Marbella that categorically did not bend the rules, just kinda twisted them, to the fling with the American tech entrepreneur that definitely didn’t get flung but involved a whole lot of flinging.

To the MP who categorically did not break lobbying rules as it was the investigator that needed investigating, but who later resigned for breaking rules and an inquiry launched into everyone else breaking rules, to the promise that there would never be vaccine mandates to welcome to dystopia 2022.

Boris either has zero clue what is going on, or is a compulsive liar. Neither is exactly a good look for a world leader. Or our country.Frankly anyone trying to claim Boris Johnson is not a serial fibber is delusional.

We’ve swallowed so many by this point he thinks he can get away with anything! But we knew from the start what was entering Number 10. For Pete’s sake, for most of his public life nobody even knew how many secret kids the man had.

The same man who would invent sources and quotes as a journalist is simply continuing the corner cutting, flippant and shady behaviour but in the highest office of the land.

Quite how far a pathological liar will go to cover up massive clangers to an entire country is now the disturbing question when lots of us assume we’ve just had a whole new slew of Covid restrictions foisted upon us costing the economy £4 billion a month to distract from the party that categorically did not happen.

That is one hell of an expensive dead cat, folks. It’s Government by soundbite. A load of catchy quotes and focus groups on steroids and farcical screeching u-turns all designed to make sure Boris is loved, that his big old yellow head makes us smile, that Bojo still has his Mojo.

Forget running the country, there’s a big baby’s ego to stroke. But what are they actually doing, these cheese and wine quaffing characters in Number ten?

Because when they aren’t playing Secret Santa they are stabbing each other in the back, briefing about dogs peeing on handbags and using a random dictionary generator to come up with three word slogans.

Who is running things? The Inbetweeners? It seems to me that the only things that actually do get initiated all happen TO the Government, not by the Government, in the form of countless inquiries.

In fact at this point, there are so many inquiries into inquiries and u-turns on u-turns you have to wonder whether there's time for governance at all, just a psychotic spin machine on steroids that makes The Thick Of It look like a masterclass in PR.

You even have to wonder if someone made the call to induce Carrie last night.

At this point, very little seems far fetched. Welcome to Boris land, folks, where nothing is quite as it seems.

Where you can set your clocks by how long it takes for the Prime Minister to do the exact opposite of what he said he would never do.