I will be going to bed early on the night of November 14. I could do without my acid reflux playing up at midnight on the news that there had been a 5,000,000 per cent swing to Labour in Sunderland.
The painful reality is that come the General Election the nation will vote in a leader who, within a matter of weeks, will be more unpopular than the present incumbent. Hard to believe right now, but that is the power of social media.
All those issues which look like Conservative mistakes will suddenly become socialist errors. There will be no honeymoon. Not one second.
And just when you think it can’t get any worse for the country Starmer will reveal, for the first time, with a 200-plus majority neatly secured, what his policies are.
Kelvin MacKenzie believes Angela Rayner will eventually depose Keir Starmer once Labour comes into government
PA
As you might expect from a tabloid-type I have been searching his dustbin for clues. And here’s what you can expect.
The wealthy and the clever will bugger off (please form an orderly clue at Terminal 5) leaving the middle classes to foot the bill as the skint never pay for anything. Unbelievably, almost 50 per cent of the country doesn’t pay income tax. How can we survive like that? A nation of subsidy junkies.
Running a small business will be a nightmare. If you make a mistake in hiring (the employee wasn’t as sold) instead of having a 3-6 month probation period which allows you to let that person go, you have to keep them on and go through the long and painful exit policy as though they were being sacked.
Imagine all the mental issues that will suddenly appear as employees seek a payout for being useless. What on earth will our Employment Tribunals look like. I know. Absolutely packed, just like A&E at St Peter’s in Chertsey.
Trade unions will demand that they return to centre stage of destroying the nation. Instead of adopting the Tory view of allowing managements to decide if they can afford the pay rise, the Angela Rayner approach will back to the Wilson era of beer and sandwiches.
The result? All RMT employees will be on £150,000 a year plus free flights for them and their families anywhere in the world as they don’t want to travel by train because they are sick of seeing the public at railway stations.
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Kelvin MacKenzie believes that Keir Starmer will be more unpopular than Rishi Sunak is
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Fares to increase sharply for the middle classes, but there will be an app for people claiming to be skint which will give 100 per cent discounts. Revenues will collapse and with no money to pay Aslef drivers the public will be asked to drive the trains.
Since they are going on straight rails this is not considered too tough and bizarrely the trains both run more regularly and on time.
On seeing the payout for the RMT, doctors will demand stethoscope money. They will claim the weight of the stethoscope is causing neck muscle injuries and they want compensation or they will no longer wear them.
The hospital porters will support the action by the doctors and therefore patients will have to walk from the operating table to their bed. In the event they collapse, an ambulance will be sent to pick them up and take them to the ward.
The NHS will need more money. I repeat, the NHS will need more money. And Starmer says he’s the man to give it to them. Problem. The country doesn’t have any more money. So, in their only decent policy, they will encourage more private health care.
This twin approach to health is to be welcomed until a couple of years in, Labour voters will discover that the service from the NHS is bloody awful and the service from the private health is bloody marvelous.
Kelvin MacKenzie claims that under Rayner all policies will have to be reviewed by the Socialist Worker board
PA
At that, half the Cabinet threatens to quit. Starmer and Wes Streeting, the Secretary of State for Health are forced out with Rayner becoming PM.
Under her, all policies have to be reviewed by the Socialist Worker board. Houses worth more than £1million will be nationalised, rents will be halved and anybody working more than 40 hours a week will be taken into a Job Centre Plus cubicle to check their mental health.
Without much publicity, because writing or broadcasting about immigration will be regarded as racism and therefore illegal, the number of illegal Channel migrants will have risen to 50,000 a day. Scotland will become part of Iran and Wales will have formed a defence pact with Pakistan.
The nation will slowly generate into Venezuela without the hope. The whole degradation will take until 2029 at which point there will be another General Election.
The Tories will then win with a record 300 seat majority. Welcome to the future.