There is a to-do list that I should be addressing right now but I made the mistake of entering into the rabbit hole of speculation over the Princess of Wales and it’s an oddly intoxicating blend.
The mystery ‘disappearance’ of a Royal family member parachuted into the time-rich hands of social-media armchair-detectives equipped with digital analysis tools, an entire back catalogue of Kate Middleton photographs and a quiver of theories.
X users are reaching for arrows at Olympic speed, hoping to land the bullseye that solves the mystery.
And yes, I know that no matter how gilded the cage, Catherine should be allowed to recuperate on her mum’s sofa watching GB News and eating coco-pops to get her strength back.
The Princess of Wales confirmed that she had edited the photo they put out
Kensington Palace/X
And yes, I hope she’s A-ok, and back to wowing red carpets in British designer frocks very soon.
But I can’t help picturing Sarah Lancashire above this plot twist with a cigarette in her hand and a pin-board of alibies.
Over the weekend, establishment media hacks lacking skepticism jumped too quickly to applaud this first sighting of Catherine since her procedure, swiping at the ‘conspiracy theorists’ (yawn) for questioning that anything sinister or untoward was afoot.
Those columnists are now having to back-peddle as it took X-users three-and-a-half minutes to establish that there were bizarre anomalies in the image: a mismatched sleeve cuff, a missing finger, Charlotte’s odd shoes and so on…
Personally, I was most baffled by the leafy tree in March; the lack of a wedding ring and how it was humanly possible to get three children to smile in unison and look at the lens in a family photograph.
As any parent-of-three knows, Kate emerging as a lizard person to read the 10 o’clock news is far more plausible than getting three children to cooperate in a family photo – that’s before factoring in those scratchy woolly jumpers only posh kids wear and the fact that one of the children is Louis!
As usual – it is much more likely that incompetence rather than skulduggery is to blame.
Social media users now have digital resources and tech-know-how which clunky old-fashioned newspapers can only dream about.
Plus, instead of working against other rival publications, individuals in the online-world work together - super-sleuths comparing and contrasting, digging and sifting until a nugget of gold emerges from the sand of speculation.
Of course, it might indeed be true that Catherine sweats over Adobe photoshop on Mother’s Day whilst burning something in the Aga and shouting at Louis to stop hitting Charlotte with the Playstation, but it seems unlikely.
Indeed, X was having none of the admission that the Princess was the architect of this kafuffle as the “amateur” photo-editor and roundly accused Kensington Palace of “throwing her under the bus.”
Some believe she is locked in a tall tower, spinning golden thread instead of news-lines and is gagged into silence.
LATEST DEVELOPMENTS:
Kate had 'planned abdominal surgery' in JanuaryGettyBut it’s far more likely that the apology tweet is covering up the sloppy social media management of intern trustafarians with names like Araminta and Ptolemy.
Catherine is so well-loved that only she could get the PR department off the giant hook upon which it is currently swinging.
I like to think she stopped hanging out the washing to bollock them personally, yelling that badly edited photos never, ever go away!
Meanwhile Prince Andrew sat on call-waiting to gloat that this was exactly how he felt after that picture of Virginia Giuffre and Ghislaine Maxwell.
The poor grammar in the apology tweet smacks of Araminta and Ptolemy: “Like many amateur photographers, I do occasionally experiment with editing” (an unnecessary and oddly confessional ‘do’). “I wanted to express,” (unusual use of the past tense) and the pesky split-infinitive: “my apologies for any confusion the family photograph we shared yesterday caused.” Tut tut!
But it was only signed off with a single ‘C.’ Everyone leapt to conclude that this is Catherine’s Mea Culpa.
But we mothers know better: Charlotte’s clearly hacked the Instagram security code yet again and now the nation thinks Catherine is deliberately confusing the world so that the Technocrats can sweep in and steal our houses.
While X discussed the fact that the Globalist cabal can only implement the One World Government by eroding individual Nation State identities (of which the Royal Family is the UK’s most treasured asset), I like to think Catherine blamed William for not changing the security code and asking why she was (“yet again!”) having to watch the kids and rest up?
He probably slammed the door on his way out to the Commonwealth Do and is now driving home collecting flowers from Heston Services en route.
So who is benefitting from this Where’s Wally meets Miss Marple mystery?
Firstly, the Photo Agencies, who have been criticised repeatedly by The Royals and openly blamed for Princess Diana’s death by the young Princes.
Princess Kate is currently recovering from her operation
GettyFor years they have accepted touched-up images without complaint from celebrities.
But for the first time in history, they have taken the moral high-ground, cocking a snoop at Kensington Palace and “Killing” the photo as “manipulated.” Ouch.
The only other people who might be relishing in the drama are Team Megxit.
Comparisons are being loudly drawn between the sympathy evoked for Catherine in the eye of this storm, whilst Megs and Harry would be slammed as egotistical fraudsters.
No doubt we will see their reaction on a Netflix documentary soon.
So shall we all calm down…? Catherine is the goose that lays the golden eggs for the Royal Family and therefore the whole country.
This is the first ‘PR disaster’ with which she’s been associated in 20 years of royal association.
But if Kensington Palace played around with a photo because the kids couldn’t be bribed with Haribo, they need to do the decent thing and confess.
The Royal Family are the dolls-house of Britain. We like to play with the characters, viewing our own lives through their highs and lows.
Their stories are more engaging and rewarding than any fictional soap opera.
But we need to trust that they uphold the values of our country. And they need to trust us with the truth.