Many moons ago, when I was a young detective, I was visited in the night by a psychic called Marvellous Maggie, who presented me with a crystal ball.
She told me in very forthright terms that I could only peer into this ball once a year, and that I must only ever use its visionary powers for the benefit of others. I have steadfastly obeyed these rules, so today I gazed deeply into my magical sphere in order to bring you my exclusive vision of 2026.
January
British water companies will announce that they will be taking part in Dry January, and will therefore cut off all water supplies to households and businesses. The price of bottled water will skyrocket, as it is revealed that Baroness Odious of Avarice purchased a trillion pounds worth of shares in a bottled water company on 31st December 2025.
February
Veteran Labour MP Ivor Snoutintrough is forced to resign following revelations that he failed to pay any tax on income received from his rental property portfolio, which stretched to some 50 houses and flats.
The snap by-election that was held in his constituency of Uphill and Downdale was won by the illegal migrant Iqbal Imasmuggler, who shocked absolutely no one by cutting the throat of a goat during his victory speech.
March
It is announced that John Swinney, the leader of the Scottish National Party, will headline the Glasgow International Comedy Festival; however, the plan is quickly dropped after a poll reveals that nobody finds him funny.
A leaked policy paper reveals that the digital ID system being explored by the Government will be able to monitor, and therefore tax, laughter.
It is anticipated that this might raise as much as twelve quid a year.
April
It is announced that Nigel Farage is to stand trial for breaking a neighbour’s kitchen window with a cricket ball when he was ten years old.
Perhaps not coincidentally, the Justice Secretary announces the reintroduction of trial by ducking stool. Human rights lawyers will save their outrage at this until after the trial of Mr Farage.
May
Following disastrous results for Labour at local elections, the Prime Minister is forced out of office and is replaced by Iqbal Imasmuggler.
The new PM addresses the nation, telling us that he understands British values and respects man-made laws, all whilst smoking a shisha pipe, with his twelve-year-old cousin sat on his lap.
New Year, New Shafting? From an Orwellian crackdown to a 100% death tax, here's what to expect in 2026 | Getty Images
June
The 43 police forces of England and Wales are merged into 12 ‘super-forces’. Controversy reigns over the naming of some of these new forces, such as the amalgamation of Somerset, Berkshire and Wiltshire into ‘SomeBerksWilt’, and the joining together of Cumbria and Northumberland into ‘Cumland’.
Regardless, the new overlord of British Policing, Chief Reichsleiter Dame Edna Average, speaking from her local mosque, announces: "These are mere teething troubles; this reorganisation will allow us to be far more effective in the policing of free speech."
July
The England football team returns from the World Cup, following their ignominious exit at the hands of Haiti. The Chair of the Football Association, Sir Humphrey Greed, tells the assembled media at Luton Airport that "it was impossible for our multi-millionaire players to perform to the best of their ability in such testing conditions. There were no seven-star hotels, the players were forced to pull their own trolleys on the golf course, and refusing to allow them to bring their own tattoo artists meant that our campaign was severely hampered from the start".
August
During this fine and sunny month, Parliament is recalled from its summer recess as Prime Minister Imasmuggler announces a new inheritance tax on farmers who have installed solar panels on all or some of their land.
This new tax will affect any farmer who receives sunshine for more than ten days a year, and will be levied at the rate of 100 per cent of the value of any land they wish to bequeath to any family member. The PM says: "Sunshine is a privilege, not a right. It is therefore only fair that those who receive the most of it should pay accordingly."
September
‘Do you remember the 21st night of September?’ And so begins one of the greatest dance tracks ever written. Thank you, Earth, Wind and Fire. Well, an instantly forgettable event will be held on 21st September 2026, namely ‘The Carbon Capture Global Summit’, which will take place in The Queen Elizabeth Centre, Westminster. Many of the participants will not have a clue what is going on, but in his closing speech, the Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change, Ed Miliband, will tell the participants what a success the gathering has been. Meanwhile, energy bills will rise, as will unemployment levels.
October
Prime Minister Imasmuggler delivers the opening speech to The International Conference on Political Islam and Islamic Movements, which is taking place in London.
A protest march and demonstration are held in opposition to this event, and over a million people turn up. Numerous arrests are made for a wide range of offences, such as ‘knowingly associating with someone who once read The Daily Telegraph’, ‘having a Jewish friend’ and ‘not knowing your place’.
Despite overwhelming evidence secured from helicopter footage regarding the number of attendees, the police tell the media that 483 people turned up.
November
A huge scandal breaks out at the BBC after one of their high-profile presenters is exposed in a newspaper sting. Of course, I know who it is, but if I name them here, they will change their behaviour, thereby evading exposure.
What I can tell you is that after the story breaks, a BBC boss is heard saying: "We’re all delighted that it was just cocaine, hookers, and drink-driving, cos let’s face it, there but for the grace of God. If it had been something really serious, then the fallout would have been much greater."
December
TV viewing figures reveal that GBNEWS is the most-watched news channel throughout 2026. Now ain’t that the truth!
Happy New Year!