Jeremy Clarkson, 65, issued a scathing rant at Thames Water, who turned up to his Farmer's Dog pub to make sure he was complying with regulations.
The former Top Gear host slammed the water company in his latest opinion piece for The Sun, after they arrived uninvited to ensure he was complying with all their regulations, before he received an eight-page list of changes to make.
The Diddly Squat farm owner opened the Farmer's Dog in August 2024, selling proper pub grub and his own brand cider, Hawkstone.
"A couple of weeks ago, two Thames Water inspectors arrived at my pub, with two people from the local council, and I assumed they were there to apologise for the woeful pressure, which is so low we have to harvest water overnight and store it in a 6,000-litre tank, because during the day all we get is a dribble," he said.
"Nope. They were there to make sure I was complying with all their regulations."
"That seemed odd to me", he continued, "I am one of their customers, I buy water from them, so why should they be interested in what I’m doing with it.
"I sell beer to people, but I don’t go round to their houses to make sure they’re drinking it properly. Anyway, they were very thorough, even doing tests on the dog bowl taps we installed in the garden. And now I’ve received a massive eight-page list of changes they want us to make.
"It’s stupid, petty stuff. Apart from one change they want making to our Rational steam ovens. Which, according to our plumber, would be impossible."
The Clarkson's Farm star claimed it was the sort of "corporate bullying" that pubs didn't need right now.
AMAZON | Clarkson's Farm: Jeremy Clarkson serving a pint of Hawkstone cider in his pub, The Farmer's DogClarkson went on to slam Rachel Reeves' updated budget: "One hostelry is closing every single day thanks to problems with mad Net Zero taxes, food allergy enthusiasts, staff shortages and the NI issues caused by Rachel Reeves’s idiotic Budget.
"And if they’re now going to be hectored by water companies to change the flow rate of their taps, there won’t be any pubs left at all. And it’s not like we can just put the Thames Water missive in the bin because, naturally, it comes with a menacing instruction that everything must be sorted out within 21 days. Or else."
The former Grand-Tour frontman then proceeded to address Thames Water directly, threatening them with a scathing demand.
"Fine. Two can play at that game so here goes: Thames Water. You have 21 days to do the following. Or else," he said ominously.
AMAZON | Jeremy Clarkson has taken aim at Thames Water in his new column
"Upgrade the infrastructure so that you’re able to supply your customers with a decent round-the-clock supply. Mend all the leaks in the region so the hosepipe ban can be lifted. Stop pumping faeces into our rivers. Undertake to cut bills to consumers by not paying your useless bosses massive bonuses.
"And you know this."
Thames Water have been under fire for discharging raw sewage into Britain's rivers, with a sharp rise of 50 per cent in 2024. Data showed the company, on the verge of collapse with debts of £19bn, was responsible for almost 300,000 hours of raw sewage pouring into waterways due to its ageing sewage works.
Clarkson doubled down on this rant, claiming he's undergoing construction on his land so he can source his own water for his farm and pub.
"While you’re getting on with that, we have started work on a bore hole. We’re digging a 120ft-deep hole in the pub’s garden so that we can pump our water from the massive underground lake down there," he fumed.
"Unlike most of the water round these parts, there’s no human s**t in it. You can drink it safely with no treatment at all", he claims.
"Also, we can pump it through our taps at whatever rate takes our fancy. And it’ll cost us nothing at all."
The public fury over Thames Water releasing sewage into the waterways has prompted the Labour Government to introduce a new regulator, promising major reforms to keep a lid on the debt-laden industry.
Clarkson's revenge call has not yet been responded to, but he vows to hit back at the "corporate buffoons" trying to bring his pub to its knees.
The Farmer's Dog in Burford, in the Cotswolds, regularly hosts famous faces such as Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi, following their move to the UK in 2024.